Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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