forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
