My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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