Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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