Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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