worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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