My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
