I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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