I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize