So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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