So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
