Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
