apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
