the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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