Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
