Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dick very happy bro
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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