his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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