You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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