omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
