im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
