So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
