My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize