im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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