Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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