so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
