Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
