Porn is love you can see.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
