whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
