I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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