my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
