I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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