i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
