Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
