she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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