no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
