some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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