Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
