Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
