I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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