my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
