you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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