I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
one might say we're banned from that church
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize