how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
