does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
one might say we're banned from that church
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
