tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
