soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
