What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize