I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
