when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize