You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
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