so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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