Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
do nipples grow back?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
