I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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