I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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