please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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