He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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