Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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