I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
