Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
