I am midnight drunk by noon
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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