your parents love me but you hate me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
