your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
