wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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