took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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