im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
