We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
