Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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