so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
