Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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