I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize