I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My feet surprised me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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