When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
